everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
