now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
