You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
