I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
