On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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