you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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