Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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