This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
