Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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