i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
