Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
