can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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