I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
