when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
