Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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