She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.