after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
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I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
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How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.