Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
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I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
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Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew