In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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