I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
