Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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