so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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