11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
