just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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