Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
25 Disturbing Facts That Will Make You Question Everything
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
31 People Admit To Nasty Things They Do On The Reg
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.