neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
