I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
