I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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