Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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