Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
