there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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