Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
