The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize