Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Randomize
