Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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