She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
