Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
