i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
