turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
