put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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