Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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