i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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