remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
