I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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