happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
