i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
