i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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