omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
