I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
