I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.