I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
