Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
