My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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