woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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