You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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