Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
i am craving dick and cupcakes