Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
