My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.