Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
