I want to make a zoo with you.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
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