I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
