just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
